The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
