none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
