a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
