You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
