Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
