There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
