Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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