im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
