you win again, gameday.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We're too hungover to prance.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
