Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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