you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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