The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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