Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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