I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
