I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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