Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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