Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You are the jesus of drinking
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
