I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
