see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
