Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
