I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
