Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
