I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
