Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
