i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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