1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
