Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
