I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
