I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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