Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Girls should come with a carfax report
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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