He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
