The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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