Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
the day after is always just damage control
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
