I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
