just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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