How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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