You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
