I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
