i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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