Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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