he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
