you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
