You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
