Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
