i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
