u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
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Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
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Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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