I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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