Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
