She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He? As in you personified your dick?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi