Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
