i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
