I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Randomize
