Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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