So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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