if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
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I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
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Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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