paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
